When you live the perfect life and you have the perfect partner and the perfect family and the perfect job and what everyone seems in life is pure perfection, it feels like its everything you ever wanted, everything your family ever wanted for you and everything life is meant to be... Perfect. When everything is perfect.. Then what could you possible get from such perfection that you don't already have. Pure disaster.
the balance to maintain this goal to satisfy everything and everyone with this image ( and at times true heart and appreciation for the everything that I had ) became daunting. Our own mind can destroy us, lead us to believe that what we have is what we wanted all a long, or in my case what I had was a) my peak or b) not what I deserved.
the moment I loved and had love returned back, the sabotaging began.
My wresting match with myself began. The questions, the doubt, the face to face encounters with shit I never existed in my 'perfect world' that I have built around me.. What once was a beautiful location was mearly plywood with paint.
The battle began, answered needed to be revealed to questions I never thought to ask.
Situations that the healing occurred was not healed at all but all open wounds infected by ignorant false resolutions.
The perfect that I had worked for since the age of 7. The proud roster I had for my family to Bask in the glory of the success that their son, nephew, grandson has accomplished and the love that he finally had (that can't be fucked up) ended up beyond that.. The perfect that I had worked and sweat and fought and confidently accomplished ..was earned with heart and truth.
It was the internal self that was not in on the rise but Waiting patiently for the age of 30 to tap me on the shoulder and say "hey aj. Watch out for the sign." And there it was realized.
There is no perfect.
embrass the imperfections because imperfection is perfection.
5 years later the lesson is still being learned and forever be.