Perfection is non existent

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When you live the perfect life and you have the perfect partner and the perfect family and the perfect job and what everyone seems in life is pure perfection, it feels like its everything you ever wanted, everything your family ever wanted for you and everything life is meant to be... Perfect. When everything is perfect.. Then what could you possible get from such perfection that you don't already have. Pure disaster.  

the balance to maintain this goal to satisfy everything and everyone with this image ( and at times true heart and appreciation for the everything that I had ) became daunting. Our own mind can destroy us, lead us to believe that what we have is what we wanted all a long, or in my case what I had was a) my peak or b) not what I deserved.

the moment I loved and had love returned back, the sabotaging began.  

My wresting match with myself began. The questions, the doubt, the face to face encounters with shit I never existed in my 'perfect world' that I have built around me.. What once was a beautiful location was mearly plywood with paint.    

The battle began, answered needed to be revealed to questions I never thought to ask.  

Situations that the healing occurred was not healed at all but all open wounds infected by ignorant false resolutions.  

The  perfect that I had worked for since the age of 7. The proud roster I had for my family to Bask in the glory of the success that their son, nephew, grandson has accomplished and the love that he finally had (that can't be fucked up) ended up beyond that.. The perfect that I had worked and sweat and fought and confidently accomplished ..was earned with heart and truth. 

It was the internal self that was not in on the rise but Waiting patiently for the age of 30 to tap me on the shoulder and say "hey aj. Watch out for the sign." And there it was realized.

There is no perfect.  

embrass the imperfections because imperfection is perfection.  

5 years later the lesson is still being learned and forever be.  

 

 

Angel part 2: cohesive

November 30, 2009  One day on a stroll through Brooklyn I came across this beautiful angel of the future.. 

November 30, 2009

One day on a stroll through Brooklyn I came across this beautiful angel of the future.. 

By this point my wings were done and since those Wings represented my family and of the 'all' that over looks me and keeps me safe then and now. This new addition was the future. Though a baby, the future was a rebirth a restart.    Cohesive none the less.   

By this point my wings were done and since those Wings represented my family and of the 'all' that over looks me and keeps me safe then and now. This new addition was the future. Though a baby, the future was a rebirth a restart.  

Cohesive none the less.   

Born to Blossom, Bloom to Perish

   March 26, 2010

 

March 26, 2010

Anyone who know me knows that from an early age of maybe 13 or 13 years old I use to collect magazine. Vogue, Vanity Fair, Entertainment Weekly, anything that had a photo spread that was unfarmiliar and cool to my green curiosity in photography.  

Also, anyone who knows me knows No Doubt is the # 1 band of choice.  It's a So-Cal loyality and a love for the emotion that is their lyrics and fun that was their ska!  

Well one day Gwen Stefani, while promoting her first solo album, graced the cover vogue. Within this article they talk her fame, they talk her new knowledge of fashion, they talk her love but what grabbed my attention is they talked her process. Her process to writing a song. 

Side note: I feel everything so I love music mainly for the heart and raw reality that is this vaulnerabilty That this artist is sharing with me.. And i react because I can relate. Some gets me, some said what I couldn't say. 

So lyrics are my everything. 

processs is next in line. The how to, the how I did, the step one... All the way to the detail of bringing an idea to fruition.. Is like ten Christmas days for my eyes and right brain. :)  

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So I read and read and then she said something... And I froze  

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Now in 2004 I was 24, my last year of college before getting my bachelors and going directly right into my first  job in t.v and so on and so forth.   

Now, when I started college i already felt "behind" not sure under who's standards but it became mine..

internal monologue " aj your going to be a 25 year old p.a that sad. I'm not being a p.a for the max 2 shows"

 

internal monologue "your graduating at 25 the kids around you are 18. WTF,  do it get it all done quick. 

I pushed and pushed and pushed and pressured and put myself down all for the sake of being a better me. A successful son who my parents and family can be proud of... 

(Not sure where that aggressive tough love I gave myself came from but everything I disect - finger points back at me. 

parents supported never pressured. School system held your hand but didn't look both way before crossing the street with you.. I had to do this this way and thats its.  

Then the pressure got harder - where will have time for  family, what about everything I want to do before i die. I have to graduate, work on these dream shows I have write and direct, I have to etc etc and the fear sat with the question how the fuck am I going to get this done.

 And those lyrics looked back at me and when I read it - all that pressure and all that aggressive thinking to rest.. And when it came back up (the overthinker I am) those lyrics calmed me cause I'd always say them to myself.  

It will get done. By who's clock? My own.  This is the circle of life, this the formular for the inevitable and I can freak out on questioning HOW or I can chill the fuck out and just DO.  Accept no matter what this is the end of the story - that's not changing. So just fucking blossom and bloom at everything I do and my story just gets more interesting.   

Cut to 2010 and that safety blanket of lyrics helped me stay balanced it became time to do the dead and that tattoo those lyrics that practically saved me and kept me on focus and not stray cause of fear or doubt but let me stay in my head with the thought "aj you can only blossom. Option A"  and so I did...  

Thanks Gwen for my reality check that was inspired by your own reality check.   

The vines that intertwine both lyrics were to connect all around my tattoos once  Swag and I were done telling this story that we have collaborating on... For many years.  

If your curious when these lyrics came alive in actually song.. First it was a b-side with no doubt  

 

Then again on her first solo track, that discussed the pressure of Just  being everything for everyone in time.   

Dear Uncle, We Love You: note from niece and nephew

I asked my niece to write or create  something that represents them that in turn id get ink'd.   She wrote, by hand, yes her very own hand, [People use to write with Pens and stuff it's bizzar] , the words 'Dear Uncle, We Love You '  And to that,  Swag put in here 11 year old penmanship verbatim those words.    Simple. Love. Family.         

I asked my niece to write or create  something that represents them that in turn id get ink'd. 

She wrote, by hand, yes her very own hand, [People use to write with Pens and stuff it's bizzar] , the words 'Dear Uncle, We Love You '

And to that, Swag put in here 11 year old penmanship verbatim those words. 

Simple. Love. Family.   

 

 

Tale of Two Cities: Impactful individuals, I say thank you.

November 20, 2011  While living in Los Angeles and establishing my platform, my circle here got bigger and bigger and then I started to get really close with fewer and fewer people.  And the older we get the more these big social circles become smaller and smaller and ultimately life happens and many situations occurs where people move on or get pushed away or walk away, either way My love is love and I wanted to say thank you to those special people whom helped just by them being there, when timing allowed it.   So, I came across this YOU ARE HERE graphic from my friend who loved finding these rare and meaningful JPEGs and actually this one and another we're images he shared with me that I just fell in love with and ultimately inspired art work that Swag helped bring to life and help express big moments of my life.   

November 20, 2011

While living in Los Angeles and establishing my platform, my circle here got bigger and bigger and then I started to get really close with fewer and fewer people.  And the older we get the more these big social circles become smaller and smaller and ultimately life happens and many situations occurs where people move on or get pushed away or walk away, either way My love is love and I wanted to say thank you to those special people whom helped just by them being there, when timing allowed it. 

So, I came across this YOU ARE HERE graphic from my friend who loved finding these rare and meaningful JPEGs and actually this one and another we're images he shared with me that I just fell in love with and ultimately inspired art work that Swag helped bring to life and help express big moments of my life.   

I took this to Swag, the man the legend the artist and told him that I'd love this heart and I'd like to incorporate two maps: one side San Bernardino and one side Los Angeles. "Easy" he said.   He built it and put the red dot right in the center of the heart, then he says to me " lets get real personal, let's make the street names people who you love or mean something to you in your life right now."    well fuck! That couldn't make any more sense!    Swag was one those people who understood me, I'd walk with a very either minmul idea and he's blow it up to be ten times what I imagined or I come in with over produced idea he'd pull it down a little and say it with very little noise.    So my heart was not only stitched on my right arm but now my heart is fully exposed and on display and aloud we (swag and I) convey a piece for those family and friends whom impacted my life.   Names of streets:   narcisa   frank    Valerie    Marisa    jeramiah    leslie    madison   jesse    jayson  patti    tattoo lounge    Shannon    dennis    Roger    Jose   Dom  and there were more to be added but due to the circumstance those names will not be addressed in this thank you piece.     

I took this to Swag, the man the legend the artist and told him that I'd love this heart and I'd like to incorporate two maps: one side San Bernardino and one side Los Angeles. "Easy" he said.

He built it and put the red dot right in the center of the heart, then he says to me " lets get real personal, let's make the street names people who you love or mean something to you in your life right now."  

well fuck! That couldn't make any more sense!  

Swag was one those people who understood me, I'd walk with a very either minmul idea and he's blow it up to be ten times what I imagined or I come in with over produced idea he'd pull it down a little and say it with very little noise.  

So my heart was not only stitched on my right arm but now my heart is fully exposed and on display and aloud we (swag and I) convey a piece for those family and friends whom impacted my life. 

Names of streets: 

narcisa 

frank  

Valerie  

Marisa  

jeramiah  

leslie  

madison 

jesse  

jayson

patti  

tattoo lounge  

Shannon  

dennis  

Roger  

Jose

Dom

and there were more to be added but due to the circumstance those names will not be addressed in this thank you piece.  

 

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AKA AJ: New Chapter

When I started my life and the chapter of college began to be written. There were some life altering decisions that needed to be made. The ultimate one was,   What will my name read on the credit when ever my name comes up on TV, or the movies or even my name tag at the paint store that I will work at if everything else fails.  I was called tony and Anthony from my family and friend growing up and I tried Aj very hard when I was super young and it never bit. Someone told me anthony, Aj would never work.  Well I'll show you, who ever you are.   On the first day of college, roll call was beginning and the courage was built the confidence was ready, the profession said Anthony james morales .. And i raised my hand and said..... "HERE."  whomp whomp    day two, my second day of college and roll call began and when I heard my name Be called "Anthony james morales"    i said,  "Aj. My name is Aj. "  and with the color of camouflage my new name that only take very little energy to now say.. You're welcome to everyone,  save ur mouth muscles for Valerie... Or narcisa...    And so it began,  Aj, it did take a while to stick and with my terrible first language english dialogue everyone began to call me by my new creative name  "andrew" wait what?! They hear Andre.. Oh sigh   

When I started my life and the chapter of college began to be written. There were some life altering decisions that needed to be made. The ultimate one was, 

What will my name read on the credit when ever my name comes up on TV, or the movies or even my name tag at the paint store that I will work at if everything else fails.

I was called tony and Anthony from my family and friend growing up and I tried Aj very hard when I was super young and it never bit. Someone told me anthony, Aj would never work.

Well I'll show you, who ever you are. 

On the first day of college, roll call was beginning and the courage was built the confidence was ready, the profession said Anthony james morales .. And i raised my hand and said..... "HERE."

whomp whomp  

day two, my second day of college and roll call began and when I heard my name Be called "Anthony james morales"  

i said,  "Aj. My name is Aj. "

and with the color of camouflage my new name that only take very little energy to now say.. You're welcome to everyone,  save ur mouth muscles for Valerie... Or narcisa...  

And so it began,  Aj, it did take a while to stick and with my terrible first language english dialogue everyone began to call me by my new creative name  "andrew" wait what?! They hear Andre.. Oh sigh

 

 

 

Balloon Boy: My Youth taking risk

October 29, 2009   My mother played both rolls mother and father for a lot of my childhood. My freshman year is when we left my father;  me, my sister and my mom.     In a two bedroom house where my mom shared with my sister and I my own room - we bagan what become the norm and moved on from the once was.  She worked her as off or give us a normal life. A life that allowed us to Be able to still Go to school and continue on with our goals intact, leaving no gap in any doubt that anything can hold us back.    There were times  when the local church brought us food and with embarrassment I declined the food but they leaving it there none the less at the door.  I couldn't handle that we were that family that needed that help but one woman working over 40 hours of work to raise a daughter who's graduating And a son who has 4 more years of school.   Quickly,  I forced myself to grow up a bit faster then the average bear.  I use to watch and see other individuals on TV and in other forms of entertainment,  that were my age or younger and see that they  became successful and were proof that i can and be whatever i dream. Wade Robson, Brian Friedman,  to name a few.  So, I compared myself a lot to these and other public figures to drive me to work harder. Clearly it was a bad way of going about it and I ended up with a complex the older I got. Of course these were unrealistic comparisons but it worked out in the long wrong. For a while.   I worked full time in San Bernardino at circuit city while starting school at Art Institute during my whole accociate program. For two years I committed myself and commuted the whole time.  I was social but it was something I balanced when I was truly about to do so.  It's was rare but I still found my balance. I never had those ragers, or raves, or        Bangers or keggers. It was only the goal at hand and that as to be the first to finish college in my family and to ultimately do what I love.   This image that Taylor White created (picture below) I saw and it hit a nerve.  I was always the oldest young person, I always did the right thing and I was going to accomplish something with my life, but at the same time I have to loosen up. I have to not be so old man and live a little. Take risk, take chance do everything and cause i do all this hard work and I don't take time to enjoy the perks then what's the Real point of it all.    

October 29, 2009

My mother played both rolls mother and father for a lot of my childhood. My freshman year is when we left my father;  me, my sister and my mom.

In a two bedroom house where my mom shared with my sister and I my own room - we bagan what become the norm and moved on from the once was.  She worked her as off or give us a normal life. A life that allowed us to Be able to still Go to school and continue on with our goals intact, leaving no gap in any doubt that anything can hold us back. 

There were times  when the local church brought us food and with embarrassment I declined the food but they leaving it there none the less at the door.  I couldn't handle that we were that family that needed that help but one woman working over 40 hours of work to raise a daughter who's graduating And a son who has 4 more years of school. 

Quickly,  I forced myself to grow up a bit faster then the average bear.  I use to watch and see other individuals on TV and in other forms of entertainment,  that were my age or younger and see that they  became successful and were proof that i can and be whatever i dream. Wade Robson, Brian Friedman,  to name a few.  So, I compared myself a lot to these and other public figures to drive me to work harder. Clearly it was a bad way of going about it and I ended up with a complex the older I got. Of course these were unrealistic comparisons but it worked out in the long wrong. For a while. 

I worked full time in San Bernardino at circuit city while starting school at Art Institute during my whole accociate program. For two years I committed myself and commuted the whole time.  I was social but it was something I balanced when I was truly about to do so.  It's was rare but I still found my balance. I never had those ragers, or raves, or        Bangers or keggers. It was only the goal at hand and that as to be the first to finish college in my family and to ultimately do what I love. 

This image that Taylor White created (picture below) I saw and it hit a nerve.  I was always the oldest young person, I always did the right thing and I was going to accomplish something with my life, but at the same time I have to loosen up. I have to not be so old man and live a little. Take risk, take chance do everything and cause i do all this hard work and I don't take time to enjoy the perks then what's the Real point of it all. 

 

So the boy represents my youth and reminds me to live a little. And take a leap, jump. Boy have I. 

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Wings: Bond with family (Sister and Mother and I)

May 6th, 2008   June 9, 2008

May 6th, 2008

June 9, 2008

Growing up we weren't very religious. Sure we were the broke Catholic  and the only time we went to church was for major holiday (was it a coincidence that every time i remember going to church and falling asleep there would always be an earth quake? ) 
When growing my mother pretty much told us to believe whatever we want to believe as far as a higher power or something just dont be so naive to think there is something.  OK, makes sense. One I do remember was she would talk about our angels. How we have them they look over us and they wont help unless you ask. 
As i grew older, there were things that had happen that was proof that clearly someone  or something was looking over me.  

I would commute from San Bernardino to Santa Monica for two years as I got my Associates, while still living and working full time back in San Bernardino. Most of those 45-1hr drives I dont remember but I made them all home safely.  
Separate from that a car accident that I literally walked away from. Being told if i would not turned my wheel then the impact of hitting the tree after going through the city triangle billboard would have ended a bit different.  There are more examples but thats another day. 

So, the wings, So my mother was very pro tattoo and anti-piercings. So, our bonding time was through our visits with my beautiful friends Patti and Swag. Patti who I worked with Pre-AJ years at Circuit City and Swag her amazingly talented husband, they both owned the tattoo shop, The Tattoo Lounge.  

P.s mind you Swag passed unfortunately but he was one of the longest committed relationships I ever had. So, i am capable. Miss you swag. 

It began with my getting a angel on her ankle it had my initials and my sisters initials.  Not sure if I or my sis came next but my sister got female angle in the center of her back.  So, to follow suit I proceed to get the angel wings. Three sessions, Three hours each. 
First session: outline both wings 
Second session: shading 
Third session: expansion

So, those wings are symbol of the bond that I have with my family. The two most important and beautiful women in my life who both helped me to be a good man, or the very least supports me in all my ventures and hold my hand when doubt overrides everything. 


(It is clear and obvious I am not angel nor do i pretend to be one  )