My Now, wants to say...

As i embrace my day today and marinate myself in my now.I see that Facebook decided to collaborate with the universe to show this consciously living version of myself something i have to recognize. What better time then the present.

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When this photo was taken, little over 7 years ago i look at my ‘then’ self as i stand in that moment of enjoying that perspective but not really knowing where my journey was going to take me after getting home.

Look back i was so young. Young hearted, young thinking, i was in this bubble of a real life willy Wonka - Never Never Land hybrid kind of the whole world is beautiful!! Don’t get me wrong It was great to see the world and live in the world with fresh green eyes but i understand now when that bubble became to deflate now - which lead to the journey it did. Mind you it was a journey of great, happy, blessed but also dark sad , lost and numb experience - all i wouldn’t take back because it brought me to this conscious reality that i am in today - for so long it was a extreme happy or extreme sad.

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They say, and i understand so much now this statement , but everything depends on how you react. Then i was blessed to have met a man that was a beautiful human being. His Perspective of life , the calm he lived in his daily, the love he embraced and Valued and saw in everybody. Looking back on it he too was in this happy bubble the world is beautiful And his bubble complimented my bubble.

His life though was not an Easy one and without sharing to much - his journey was so heart wrenching that i knew if it was me who went through what he went though - i wouldn’t have been smiling as much as this man did. He was represented really strength. I’m acknowledging now he also represented true forgiveness. True unconditional love.

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I was blessed to share time with him, he let me in but i see now that i was so naive and i didn’t know know how to grow up now what to do with everything that he represented... I knew i loved him but i also know today i wasn’t ready for that feeling.. hell im still not sure i am. he and we’re friends at the end of the day though my bubble didn’t know what to do with these new feelings of for one rejection but love that now sat dormant...then they went numb. He shared with me, ( as i type this i realize it was on thanksgiving ) that he had stage 4 Cancer.  I remember his words “there is a war going on in my body and everyone is fighting everyone “  the hope he always had  in his heart still was heard in his voice. This man was he healthiest, fittest, didn’t drink or do drugs. His drug was happiness.  And here the universe is taking a human being that is doing life right. He wouldn’t allow me to come see him.  And though i was trying to respect his wishes, and suggestion from my mom to not just show up... i wanted to so bad... to see him, to let him know i loved him, to let him know he wasn’t alone. Me me me . Like i said  i was naive. But i respected his wishes...my bubble began to deflate.. no more then month later, he passed. And my bubble did too. I didn’t know what to do, how to deal, how to say good bye, closure no closure. I was glad he didn’t have to hurt  through the war that was happening in his body but the effect he left on me i didn’t know what to do with it it all became a numb.. and realizing now slowing so did i. I wrote a very specific email to my family and friends who had knowing him and met him.. and i told them what had happen and to never bring it up to me. I don’t want to talk about it moving forward. I didn’t know what cancer was , i didn’t understand the whys or the how’s. I didn’t like death, since a child i never understood the where’s or why’s, i was terrified of it. I didn’t know what to feel or how to feel... all these these i couldn’t process or accept because i didn’t try to understand it so i could allow myself to process any of it...

And Like that my shoulders slowly started getting Heavier and heavier. I am not say saying at all this is the all cause but i am acknowledging how i reacted was not only wrong but it domino effected a lot of reactions with a lot of things and became my king character defect. Then moving toward i went on to to have an end goal of trying to understand process everything.  That bubble dissolved leaving me standing so far from Never never land with my perspective of living in all good to seeing the wizard behind the curtain..  That become overthinking to then falling into a deep place of my Soul feeing so lost and dishearted, knowing know it was me who let darkness take over.  

But again i now stand in my light becuause i am the light.  And i look back at these moments and call it closure call it just an appreciation for another human being or call it just what it is ... me using my gift of communication to say out loud that today i am remembering the human Jimmy Parsons, and i want to say to this man is:

Jimmy your light was something so special- i think i find myself today with more of you around me then even. Everything you stood for - the human being you were in your entirity is what, when i grow up, i can only try my best to be.. I’d be lucky if i was even  half the man you were to this world. I believe you knew i cared for you and loved you then and now and i know you are an angel. You were one on earth. If i can say anything to you it’s thank you for sharing your light and thank you for holding space for me next to you.  You are not forgotten you are and were a gift. A gift that stills holds a space in my heart. 

I know i can’t change my past, and i know i can’t bring individuals back from the dead, and i know i can’t save you but i also know i am free today. I know i am accepting today. I know i am capable of forgiving today. I know i am who i am because of everything that this journey had put in front of me.  I am grateful. I am beyond grateful for my now. 

 

Thank you everyone for being apart of my now!  

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