60 never felt so good

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At the eve of my 60, after hand sewing the final letters (with massive assistance and collaboration with my epic'ly talented madre) 'R' and 'E' and the { tentative branding } FIN with LOVE * onto a second sweater, I had a relief lifted. 

That i seeked validation from a lot of the wrong. Professionally, personally. 

I never fueled my life by money, by greed, by an unattainable something. But at that moment of realization I processed whom were those I chose to idolize. For case and point allow me to dissect this statement in the category 'professional.'  Allow me to preface with topic with expressing the gratitude I have for all my professional experiences.  Those experiences have taken me to some extraordinary places. And i live in gratitude to this day for opportunity to have and lived what I lived. And those of whom I admired and professionally seeked their approval for not only future work but to be accepted in a 'team' a 'clique.'  Realizing now I wasn't like those individuals. They are all people whom I did admire and they each taught me a magnitude of knowledge and again gifted me with some great lessons and opportunity but I understand now their purpose. 

Allow me also add prior this realization I sat in a state for refelction and Pity.  

But thankfully that pattern was checked once I realized I am grateful i am not them.  I am glad I am who am I and where I am.

Now, currently due to some choices on my journey, I am not in the place of prediction of aj 5 years ago, even three years ago. Professionally I haven't been in the fire as I once was. To be frank the last real show/production I worked was last summer. And it's been that pattern for the past three years and yes I felt like shit, embarrassed, ashamed, regretful, like a failure, stupid, sorry for myself, and angry with myself. When do I feel this way? When I reflect on those people whom I idolize. I see their lives via social media and see the adventures the travels the luxuries the material growth and social status exceed all expectation from my perspective (silly waste of thought ). But as I look in envy I then compare. On any other occasion that action of comparing it take me to some bad places and thoughts mainly the ' I already screwed it up what's the point now' but this time was different.  

I don't have much to my name, and you know what... I am the happiest I have been in a really long time. The gratitude I have for all the 'its' , 'thats' , 'thens' I have experienced I wouldn't take any of it back. I may not have those travels and materials those I looked up to do have...but today I am a whole. Today I feel freedom in my heart and head. Today with as nothing as I have I really truly have everything. I have my strength, my family, my opportunity to express myself creatively, with my words, I feel, I see, I have a voice. I am present. I have oppuritunites to grow, reconnect. I have tools I didn't have before. But Most importantly today I understand.  And that is something I am grateful for. and I look forward to walk the path I'm paving for me this time around. Professionally and personally. The 'everything I don't have... I don't need them. I don't want them. What I have is a gift and it is all I need. 

 

aj morales1 Comment