Thirty3

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today I feel: anxious at the moment. But all i cant express my gratitude for the fact that i am with my family. Having the opportunity to rebuild what the 12 year of   distance created. Though relationship were not bad it's just epic that we can just get closer and a strong bond can be established.

Mycousin's sons birthday was this weekend and that brought me so much closer to family. An opportunity to truly be present and feel and give the love and support that only family can give. 

There was so much care that it was quite overwhelming but one that i cant handle and with gratitude accepted as well as gave. 

anxious is the moment. It's the Los Angeles that I'm about to be in again. Of course, I didn't plan to well but what do you do - life does not stop for me. I ain't that special and I mean that the most positive and realistic way. 

Fear was topic yesterday and it was nice r have to think about how fear was involved in my life then and then being in solution while trying to find solution in the now. 

I was fuled by fear, 

Of being alone  

Of failing  

Then insecurity  

Lost selfworth

My drive 

Then became  

Content  

Justified the unjustified  

wasn't managing but really dethreading what was left of my manageable in turn completely making it completely unmanageable

 convincing myself it was okay to do what I  doing cause I was being honest with everyone about my actions and whereabouts -selfish why you ask. cause I was just bring more self destructive cause evryone knew In turn just really telling everyone " well I'm literally killing myself, just be ready for me to die'

Convincing myself 'I got this' when in reality i didn't 'have it' at all.

Fear also keeps me here cause 

1) fear that if I do the don't again - my body will be so use to being absent of the substance that I'd ignorantly partake at the level i left at .. and my body will not say 'ok why not'.  I don't want to die. And that many sound dramatic and ridiculous but Fuck you, I know want I want and I have to go through Action to do what I need to do for me. 

2) my families fear, Thirty something days ago my mom said pretty much. "Yes I know what you do and where you go but I'm afraid you won't pick up that next time I call or I'd receive that phone call..cause we are waiting for it."

How did nikkiParisi say it?  "I checked my ass at the door"

There For many reasons I am in a spot of bliss because I'm blessed I have today and this is exactly where I am suppose to be.

F. E. A. R

Fuck. Everything. And. Run.  

Turns to

Fac. Everything. And. Recover.

Rant rant rant rant

Thanks for letting me share 

 

aj moralesComment