Not dirty thirty
So I turned 30 today. Well, 30 days actually. well 30 days sober actually.
For some reason sobriety is all around while not being around at all.
My ego and pride are key factors of what got me into trouble a number of times before 30 days ago. for the past 5 years.
And in pure form.. I am hot and cold and extreme one or the other... that's a always character defect.. not just addict one lol.
So today, i feel, guess what two things, obviously nothing new.
I feel disappointment because not one person has acknowledged my 'today's success' and considering i had a number of hands and support getting here today.. none of them have expressed praise or anything. and that makes me sad. (PRIDE)
last time i did this, a few times i relapsed those times at day 29. a few times that happen. then i did 90 in 90- over excessively doing two or three a day last time around. then when i said out loud "i had this" Almost for years later and here i am today saying "i dont have this". I did not then and i dont know and i know know if i ever will.. i know that i need meetings and i need to fucking get going these steps.
So to now say to contradict my first victim, self pity comment ..
i also i am honestly ok with not getting the praise and the prizes because i am not doing this for them, him, her or you i am doing this for me. and i feel accomplished compared to where i was 30 days ago, two years ago, 5 years ago, hell even yesterday. and im ok with not playing the role that was playing which was selfish, pitiful and broken person. Today is today and today i dont need a chip or all the hugs, or the clap. today i just need to stay on the path. because i know that i dont have a "one more time" left in me.. if i do a dance of a "one more time" it will be last .. cause my body is going to make that choice and i dont want to risk my 'fin' yet. (GRATITUDE)
I have to much to still do still but i do miss you at times.
So for my 30 days today i did reach out to be of service. I inquired about giving back in some way to my community. Because i have purpose and i actually believe the smile that i wear. awesome right? lol
the world doesn't not revolve around me
i cant change someone
people will be who they are
i cant fix anyone
people will do what they want to do
i cant worry about anyone
i can barely take care of myself
i care about you
but i have to care about myself now.
Cheers to 30, and cheers to 30 moe,