Dear J [ohn] W [ayne]
Unsure of the unsure. De clouded and still diranged a thought or two links here.
Of the three time frame of time. Before during after . or the lay out to any good story. Beginning Middle End. regardless of the three or how i describe them in understanding form..a soundtrack of sorts. Not accurate but feelings. Or feeling once felt. Not a blame game but my feelings can my feeling here on my site where they are not wrong. for myself i guess, Questions unanswered. Fingers without purpose of pointing are finally sleeping comfortable. The this and that are directed now to not ego and shame but tomorrow and the next. the capability of understanding not of the wrongs or the who's wrongs but understanding the now and appreciating the then; bad or good.
Gratitude i will always sit in no matter the thoughts or assumption of which i not. I do. I did. I take back nothing but take with me understanding me more. my no's ,my not wants. my wants. my strength. my corrections. my focus. my passion. my hopes and the love. the love is and was and will always be. even if its not the idea of what we both thought it to be. The love was love. i can not and will not speak for your nor say what i think you think but i will say my love or what is assumed as lack there of -still moved and motivated and confused the simplicity of what love was especially from what it was at the beginning. the love was diluted and what i thought it was or suppose to be set it up to seem as though exact opposite or even just a contradiction and for that my apologies. i knew not how to love myself so how could i think i can understand how to love you properly. myself was broken, is broken prior your attempt of proving i am lovable. something i knew but was afraid to admit. and that just not only sabotaged a ton for us. for me.. it also took the simple and made it so so so complicated. it becoming me who tried to be the me i thought i needed to be. yes some parts were me me but that me me was the hurt me. the ME was hiding in a ball unsure of what or where or how i can do or be that ME again only to sit a ball and let me me spin in circles. playing the victim the martyr the child the lost the shadow i was not even whiling to look but knew i was not ME. i not blame game the contents in which played a role. I don't not blame the stuff that i put directly for effect. I do not blame any of all then on anyone. I own. I own. I own mine.
oy what was only suppose to be a coded sentence with a playlist my thought of the beginning middle and end is now a confessional of sorts. Oy vey
I only wish the ME was stronger, I only wish the ME wasn't afraid of being ME. I wish ME didn't let me me shit all over the place while knowing nothing about nothing but trying by not trying to become a better version. Though you saw the better version sometimes or even at the beginning. I hope one day ME has the opportunity to met YOU sometime again, somewhere where our strengths will benefit the positives for both of us. Our familiar I can not. I say that aloud and I say that with heart. I can not. the push and pull the want and not want the pick me the i can be the resentment i think there was the lies the denial the soapbox i stood on the soapbox i gently placed you on.. all of those things I can not. Do i miss it? no. I miss YOU. I want to say i forgive you but who am to say i need to? who am i say forgiving you is even something that my lesson is requiring. to say i forgive is to say there was act that needed that forgiveness and today the acts are of no importance. because today and recently it is not you that i need to forgive. I got forgive myself. . I just gotta keep working on forgiving myself first. the myself before the you . the myself during the you. the myself after the you. So work work ME is doing. but the me me thinks about the you you but me me is steadily being pushed back down to where he belongs. me me was sad. me me was not happy in his skin. me me loved but again me me didn't love himself … but ME, I #IAM , is ready to be proactive with what my purpose is here in this form on this earth. I AM seeing, living, appreciating , watching, learning, listening, processing, forgiving, smiling, laughing, being inspired, creating, taking action on life, breathing in moment, living and embracing moment to moment, now to now. [please don't take as though i did none of that in our time. I did. I don't disregard any of it or you. I look damn forward to meet the YOU again. ME do. ME do. :) ]
words blah blah blah ok thats all J[ohn] W[ayne]. thats all for now.