at this moment... everything.
JOY (because i am with and saw and hugged and laughed and am in close company with my family).
LOST ( in who am i right now, to where am i going in my path.. Once I knew, now i learn all over again)
SAD (that the familiar has to be now the unfamiliar. for sake of me).
DIS-HEARTED (that I have been told and began to believe all of these "Santa isn't real* moment)
DISAPPOINTED (with myself for listening to the wizard and avoiding the reality of the man behind the curtain).
EXCITEMENT (to enjoy tomorrow and the next but present for the people who choose me to want to be around. To be there for those people who value me. To be there for me).
SCARED (that it will end not well in their storybook).
HELPLESS (cause I can't help.. I never could have).
EXPECTING (Anger back at me for not following the pattern that once was).
TERRIFIED (im not capable to be without and that I will fall back into the web that is my own demise).
GRATFUL (i am still able to feel, that i am still capable, that I have people, that I have another oppurtunity, that I had the moments and times and hugs and the chance to even see your heart).
BROKEN (cause my tread is short and I am aware I have few chances left to be the one who can correct any of this.. and i am going to try).
WISHFUL (you see and truly re-read, and remind, and revisit, and believe that I truly loved you and tried with every ounce to let you know I do, i did, love you. I will always be your biggest fan but I wish you truly understand that I was always there soften the falls, the cloudiness of the underworld just altered your perspective of the situation and i am not mad, and i can not hate, i know you did your best with what you were capable of giving.. and I know that.
HOPEFUL ( to see that someone like Caitlyn Jenner is a symbol of so much more then the obvious. She is proof that there is HOPE. That this world can be a terrible place, and the monsters among us go out their way to crush and hurt and egos plague the creative, the ambitious and the dreamers but when you look and see an individual such as this olympic hero be comforable enough after 57 years on this earth and have courage to say out loud that she is comfortable in her own skin finally, even with the world as it is, and the ingnorance at its peak, there is hope that in some we evolved in a good way enough to let us all agree that yes, we are different and yes we accept you. HOPE, we can get better for the good.