The Answer: balance
what went off balance: me
what cause the off balance?: allowing something/someone take over things that kept the balance
what was/ ultimately your balance: my family. The seeing them, being around them.
something was off when?: when i looked around me and saw what it was/is becoming my normal. When I looked around i saw who it was that i was choosing to take my time, take my attention. When I looked around and saw no one that I wanted to be like. When i looked around and saw that those around me do not have the ambition or drive to be something other then a "i once was" or a "one day i will." When i looked around and the only "friend" our of the pool of "question marks" has no idea what it was that i actually do. Something was really off when I finally saw and accepted that my true relevance and importance was always not when it came to the few whom claim to have a) been friend b) "really know me" or c ) care so much that....
explain these realizations: There is a fear of change. there is fear of failure. There is a fear of success and there is fear ourselves. When i look around and I try to help others be the best can be because I know they are capable of it... that does two things. 1) wastes my times helping because if they dont believe they are deserving or capable then they never will. and 2) doing this and helping other chase their tail, avoids me from having to now figure out what it is that I want to do with my future (since my current career is in question.
The friend thing, well that was kinda always known. But i have a bout a small few from this pool of "question marks" that i would consider a true friend. Though some of the best advice i got was "none of these people are your friends" And that is true. In this one particular situation, i reflected and those this friend exclaims to me how much he loves and cares etc etc bs bs, i reflect and put into question he as in entirety. ultimately and at the end of the day he is no friend. He os no acquaintance. He is a question mark. And I am done with all these questions.
To gain or find your balance again what did you do and how did it help: When i saw me loosing me in this whole thing i went to my parents for a month for sole purpose of being around love. And that decision i can say saved my life in many ways. At first when i made this decision to go to my parents for a month it was only for sake of having distance between what was my normal and the elements in which i chose to keep close. In my mind it was still me failing at this game of life because 35 and living with mom and dad is a very rockbottom moment especially after all the experiences and great shows and a emmy and a lot of things (physical and not physical ) that I works and earned.. and to back step - I just couldn't not think i was a failure.
Something happen with a fellow artist, and when i learned more about him it was, to me, that his balance was off. The city is tough place. I stick up for it but pretty much it will eat you alive if you're too weak to show it wrong. In this cause the gentleman committed suicide. and i look around where i was when i heard this news and i was in a peaceful place with my parents and that I realized at the moment my family, their love, their hugs, their conversations, their company, their laughs, their stories, their trust, their unconditional love, their creativity, their understanding, their pride, their heart, all of it. These things I let go of, and by doing that I was on small lifeboat almost ready to stop swimming but i was lucky, i am lucky, grateful that I came this month, that i have them here so close, that i have them at all. I am not failing at life, myself or anything else for that mater if I chose to come home for a month a year.. whatever. I know now that these people, my family are my balance. From Los Angeles, from the "question marks" from the zombies from all those heavy things that i let hold me down. And I'm to blaming anyone,..i am my own mind, i am my own.
solution starting now: MY family will be back into my routine, I will go do visits, i will not do that again. My normal isn't was was it.. I acknowledge that i was close or trying very hard to become a "question mark" for a few reasons.. to be loved and to give up. I have began to edit those "question marks out of my life."
Bullet notes of what you've learn:
Balance is the key to everything. Find yours it will save you.
Egos and insecurities are what drive gay men who use. Its has nothing to do with anything else.
you dont like me? fine you suck - ego
We'll if you leave iill just find someone else " insecurity
"You're great but let me get back to you"- The grass is always greener City
more to come