#Thirtyfour

-  Allow me to preface, today I am grateful. Today I am happy. Today my then is not my now.  The words I share are my thoughts , and or experiences , that I speak into the air only for therapeutic cause  - it’s my method of healing and letting go.  That being said,  I assure you I am safe and sound and sitting in gratitude.  -

There is magic in the fact that I am able to have celebrated my 39 years on this earth.  Though I have been blessed with the opportunities to have lived many lives , way to many then I deserved , and for all of them and the experiences in the , good or bad, I thank the universe.  Now that being said, I strongly believe I have used up all but one of my cat lives, and that one cat life is ready to be lived... truly lived. Just Surviving isn’t a way to utilize your space on the earth , and I can proudly say that Yes I have move mountains and contributed creativity and love into the universe but I can say that I have also wasted  space at times, especially while I was in my darkness, space that could have appreciated by those whom have lost the fight while wishing every second they could out run it. 

So here I am today, in my now, ready to take all that I have. The good the bad , the lessons and achievements, the errors and the results, the epic and misery, the fearlessness and the fearful - it’s time to take all that with me on this path and be the man can conquer and can finally say that I finally believe that I can, again.  But also stand accepting my then is my then and trying to recreate my successes or my milestones is not only an unrealistic attempt but quite pathetic.  I am more then over the mood to have had but now it’s time for new goals, new adventures, new present , loved nows. 

#Thirtyone

- The scare shameful 6 year old who’s still hiding - 

-  Allow me to preface, today I am grateful. Today I am happy. Today my then is not my now.  The words I share are my thoughts , and or experiences , that I speak into the air only for therapeutic cause. If it’s spoke though literal words, video , or photography - it’s my method of healing and letting go.  That being said,  I assure you I am safe and sound and sitting in gratitude.  -


Now as I’m rolling into the big 3-9,  I have had plenty of time to see through my experiences some overlooked details if and in myself.  One being that I am not so comfortable in my own skin, to an extent.   Mind you, this is all based off of my internal thinking, I have had support through and though a I grew from being a closeted gay to an openly gay man when I was 18.  Looking back it’s safe to say, I think the gay flag , for me, started flying around 6 years old or in those after years but that early.  At the time I had no idea what gay was but I knew from what I heard around me is gay is bad.  

Since coming out I have had support from everyone around me except I think from myself.  

Why do I say that? Because I truly loved myself and the gay man I was then my choices maybe would have been better choices then ultimately trying to kill my self slowly or not caring for my health as much as I should especially since there generation before me who literally fought for me to be here today.  I if I loved that queer gay man inside my heart I would take action and be proud and lived in my light.

In my journey though I see now I had to go through all that darkness to be able to stand here today and finally talk to that scared embarrassed shameful gay six year old who is hiding at the bottom of my heart  and tell him that it is ok to be who you are.

Anthony it is ok to be who you are.

#Thirty

Allow me to preface, today I am grateful. Today I am happy. Today my then is not my now.  The words I share are my thoughts , and or experiences , that I speak into the air only for therapeutic cause. If it’s spoke though literal words, video , or photography - it’s my method of healing and letting go.  That being said,  I assure you I am safe and sound and sitting in gratitude.  

There is a disconnect in us when it comes to understanding.  When you are in your darkness - people leave. Those whom are assumed to always stay - actually slowly begin to step away.  Why?


And if you those people who see someone you love slowly there eventually through their hands up, you ask yourself why  are they doing that ?

Speaking from my experiences we have to see all sides. The perspective of the loved ones and the friends who have to step away from their love own who is slowly killing themselves. That person Who stoped trying to , ultimately, live. 

But the perspective of the individual in their darkness is scared, already embarrassed and lost in their shame, to ask for help.  Maybe to far deep to even think there is a point to try.  

There are many layers to this disconnect and  it all does stem from something deeper but right maybe just try and understand what it is that both parties are going though. Each try and understand , even little , that both the loved owned and the individual who are in the darkness are both feeing their own pain in one way or another.  It’s a disconnect. 


You will never know what they other person is or has experienced unless you yourself have actual experienced the exact same thing, that obvious. But we all can each TRY. Just TRY and understand. It can save a life or help someone Finally begin living a better one.

Into happiness

There I go
There I am
A life of gold
How long I've been driving

Fall into happiness
Wish you could be here
No more loneliness
You'd make it perfect

There I go
Life might get cold
A life of gold
Funny how things roll

Fall into happiness
Wish you could be here
No more loneliness
You'd make it perfect
Fall into happiness
Wish you could be here
No more loneliness
You'd make it perfect

Everything is changing
Sorry I've been missing
Down the road I've left behind
Everything is clearer now
I've been getting better
How could I have been so blind?

Into happiness
Wish you could be here
No more loneliness
You'd make it perfect
Fall into happiness
Wish you could be here
No more loneliness
You'd make it perfect

Everything is changing
Sorry I've been missing (wish you could be here)
Down the road I've left behind
Everything is clearer now
I've been getting better (you make it perfect)
How could I have been so blind?

Wish you could be here
You'd make it perfect

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Sarah Barthel / Joshua Carter / William Corgan / Jordan Asher



Awoke

It’s all as it is and it’s as it was meant to be. The over expectations of what this was suppose to feel like - kills the honesty of this now but regardless, this is that. And that is that.

And they call me the sick boy.

Sick Boy - Chainsmokers

I'm from the east side of America

Where we choose pride over character
And we can pick sides, but this is us, this is us, this is
I live on the west side of America
Where they spin lies into fairy dust
And we can pick sides, but this is us, this is us, this is

And don't believe the narcissism
When everyone projects and expects you to listen to 'em
Make no mistake, I live in a prison
That I built myself, it is my religion
And they say that I am the sick boy
Easy to say, when you don't take the risk, boy
Welcome to the narcissism
Where we're united under our indifference

And I'm from the east side of America
Where we desensitize by hysteria
And we can pick sides, but this is us, this is us, this is
I live on the west side of America
Where they spin lies into fairy dust
And we can pick sides, but this is us, this is us, this isI am the, I am the, I am the sick boy
I am the, I am the, I am the sick boy
They say that I am the sick boy
And they call me the sick boy

Don't believe the narcissism
When everyone projects and expects you to listen to 'em
Make no mistake, I live in a prison
That I built myself, it is my religion
And they say that I am the sick boy
Easy to say, when you don't take the risk, boy
Welcome to the narcissism
Where we're united under our indifference

Feed yourself with my life's work
How many likes is my life worth?
Feed yourself with my life's work
How many likes is my life worth?
Feed yourself with my life's work
How many likes is my life worth?
Feed yourself on my life's work
How many likes is my life worth?

i'm from the east side of America
I am the, I am the, I am the sick boy
I live on the west side of America
I am the, I am the, I am the sick boy
I'm from the east side of America
They say that I am the sick boy
I live on the west side of America
Yeah, they call me the sick boy
I am the, I am the, I am the sick boy
I am the, I am the, I am the sick boy
They say that I am the sick boy
Yeah, they call me the sick boy

Songwriters: Alex Pall / Andrew Taggart / Dong Tony An / Emily WarrenSick Boy lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Postmodum


Higher - Lilly Allen

Please, you know I rate Queens

Yo, cah that's in my jeans
I don't want grief, don't want drama
I just went out for a little Chinese
Had Chinese then couldn't leave
I lost my phone and my cards and keys
Came, came home four o'clock
Walk back like I'm, walk back like I'm chief

Do me right
You're lying
It's in your eyes, don't try it
No, you can't hide, have you lost your mind?
Did I cross your mind?
It's your life, I said I'd never
Let you waste my time
I said you'd never
Hear me say that twice
You crossed that line
You crossed that line

You know what you're doing
I won't listen to another excuse
This time you blew it
The people you used are jumping through hoops
I won't let you do it
You can't seduce me, now who looks foolish?
Sorry, but I know your type
I won't be undermined

I can't take this down to the wire
Soon see if I fight fire with fire
Dig that grave
You're such a bad liar
Stakes gettin' higher and higher and higher and higher

Higher, higher, higher...

You'll be fine, stop crying
Dry your eyes, stop fighting
Rest that mind, give yourself some time
You might like what you find
It's your life, and said I'd never
Let you ruin mine
I said I'd never, ever
Pay the price
You crossed the line
You crossed the line

Why did you do it? (Oh, yeah)
Why would you choose to use and abuse me?
This close to ruin (oh, yeah)
Why just stand by?
Don't you dare roll your eyes
Why put me through it?
Enough with the lies
I know what the truth is
Sorry, but I know your type
I won't be undermined

I can't take this down to the wire
Soon see if I fight fire with fire
Dig that grave
You're such a bad liar
Stakes gettin' higher and higher and higher and higher

Higher, higher, higher...

Reunion

Hello old friends

Once upon a time we were so close

So close we were as one

Bringing others in, to be even closer then close.

With a welcome mat before our feet, nothing but closer was the only option.

Why were we so welcoming ?


Or was the loneliness that has us begging for people to come run through us?

While we are face to face though and as we see our then so vividly I want to apologize...

Apologize for the bumps and the bruises.

The pain that I inflicted on you as I welcomed the wary.

I didn’t put you into consideration, hell I assumed you liked it...or just told myself that to feed my hunger.

Without a choice though.. you took it like a trooper.


You left the lost so envious of the unconditional stance we had, you and i.

But now , To I see you so fresh and standing tall...l smile.

You’re working with the team - mind body and soul and for that I thank you.

Thank you for sending the message of hope to all that needed to know -

Thank you for not giving up on me as much as I filled you with filthy and unnecessary toxic everything... sigh.


My idea, my wants and false hopes and my lost got lost in translation

And only left you grasping for air.

I see you now smiling and my smile follows.

And my body stands tall for the you you are. Then and now. 

 

 

Postmodum

Lilly Allen Trigger Bang

Grab a few grams and a few grand

Wrapped in elastic in the blue bands
Reach for handouts with your two hands
Who's that? We’re the cool gang
No hippy but it’s so sticky
I’m a old school nigga, fam, I know Zippy
Steamboat Willie like the old Mickey
Steamboat willy, she gets the whole dicky
'06 ratchet, had the old flicky
'017, now I got the whole strip in
Lowkey bredda on the low, sippin’
You can be the cool gang, but nigga, no slippin’And it fuels my addictions
Hangin' out in this whirlwind
If you cool my ambitions
I’m gonna cut you outThat’s why I can’t hang with the cool gang
Everyone’s a trigger bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
Goodbye bad bones, I’ve got bigger plans
Don’t wanna put myself in your hands

When I was young I was blameless
Playin' with rude boys and trainers
I had a foot in the rave 'cause I was attracted to danger
I never got home for Neighbors, hey
When I grew up, nothing changed much
Anything went, I was famous
I would wake up next to strangers
Everyone knows what cocaine does
Numbing the pain when the shame comes, heyAnd it fuels my addictions
Hangin' out in this whirlwind
If you cool my ambitions
I’m gonna cut you outThat’s why I can’t hang with the cool gang
Everyone’s a trigger bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
Goodbye bad bones, I’ve got bigger plans
Don’t wanna put myself in your hands
That’s why I can’t hang with the cool gang
Everyone’s a trigger bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
Goodbye bad bones, I’ve got bigger plans
Don’t wanna put myself in your handsBack in the day like at YoYo
Then in L.A. at the Chateau
Someone would say, "did you bang? No?"
I shake my head, I say "no, no"
Maybe we did, I don’t think so, hey
I need to move on and grow some
Been in the Firehouse for too long
LDN's burnin', so tan one
I’m gonna love you and leave some
I’m gonna go out while I’m still strong, heyAnd it fuels my addictions
Hangin' out in this whirlwind
If you cool my ambitions
I’m gonna cut you outThat’s why I can’t hang with the cool gang
Everyone’s a trigger bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
Goodbye bad bones, I’ve got bigger plans
Don’t wanna put myself in your hands
That’s why I can’t hang out with the cool gang
Everyone’s a trigger bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
Goodbye bad bones, I’ve got bigger plans
Don’t wanna put myself in your hands

Songwriters: Jason Neville Thompson / Lily Rose Beatrice Allen / Benjamin James Henry Jack GarrettTrigger Bang lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management

When i look at you, I see me. 

I am afraid OF the version of me that l allowed to take over in turn became the template for the you that you have become.   

When I look in the mirror l see you. 

how is it that the Ones we were are sitting on a Park bench talking of our loves and passions in our then while the Us that lay together fight for clarity of one another’s perspective today.  

When you look at me I wonder what you see. It's not the me you knew it's the me you'd rather me be,

 

A YEAR LATER: Women's March Los Angeles

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It is hard to process that it was one year ago today that the world was all standing up, holding hands together in an historic event that was The Women's March.   

It was a time of darker skies even under the brightest sun. So many people were in this state of  indescribable emotions and feelings about our new reality.  I myself was in this new dimension of trying to process what was vs what we all thought was impossible.  

Well here we are a One Year Later. Not blown into bits, Not in a new war. All still standing but with a lot more noise surrounding us.  Its fascinating and disheartening to see that though nothing drastic has came from the leadership - nothing still has yet gotten better -just stagnate.  And for the whom I am referring to regarding not getting better... is the human.  

On January 20th 2017, the human spoke. Humans everywhere chose to come together for each other.  And at this moment again individuals are coming together to speak up again.  

I just wanted to relive my One year ago. That was my time with Dove Rose Grennan. There are individuals who come into your life and when you see them you see their light. These individuals are special gifts.  Prior to this event I wanted to know more - so it was determined to ask the source. Who can I talk to about this Women's event and how do I get that person to say yes to talking to little old me.  The Facebook page for the event was where I started. I looked at the name of the individual who created this page and I emailed that person. And that individual was Dove.  And when I reached out to ask if she would be interested in Actions Are Louder Series , she said yes and instantly committed to sitting down with me the day after the event. Because this inquire I had was a week and half before the event - there wasn't really any room to schedule or plan which I was ok with because I much rather work organically then by a book. 

On the day of the march I ran around downtown just me and my camera. Shooting, experiencing, being inspired by and appreciating the humanity that I was engulfed in.  

 

The adrenaline I got from witnessing first hand something of this magnitude - was rightfully readying me for the conversation I was about to have with Dove the following day.  

Soaked from the rain that Los Angeles got doused in,  That following morning I arrived wet to Dove's Bodies, her studio, as her yoga meditation class was concluding.  I was welcomed in and she kindly asked for a few seconds to finish her tasks.  So as I dried off, and set up I just observed.  As she said her good-bye and hugs I just noticed presence. Her presence that she has for ever individual she is infant of. Undivided attention and attentiveness along with love and compassion for that person who she is eye to eye with.  I was witnessing genuine human connections at its best.  

Once she was done I then realized, crap now I have her attention, her full attention. Kind of scary feeling when your not use to it.  But she was accommodating, she was willing, she was heart from beginning to end.  Mind you this was a gift of an experience because every individual who I have shared prior on Actions Are Louder were all friends or connected close to where it we had history to interaction before.  But Dove and I have our first conversation on camera and it was perfect.  

This conversation shared with me the humanity that exists today even in the numb. I myself had a big hiccup with understanding and accepting that there are mean people in the world. That there people who hurt others for self reward or validation. That was something I couldn't process in the tiny bubble of fairy dust and bubbles world I use to live in.  And also, before I sat with Dove,  I myself was on the crawl of coming outta my darkness. I was jaded, I was bruised, I needed a new word for lost. Numb though does describe most of it. And that wasn't even because of the election that was just my head.  At this time I had the strength to want to be in my light. And it was the universe that aligned us together that validated that I was on the path. 

Sitting across from Dove and having a human connection ( something too that was few and far between) with this individual  was a gift.  This is what it looks like to live your light. This is what a human looks like who lives her life in her right.  This is what it looks like to care for everyone. This is what it looks like to love everyone. This is what is looks like to love and accept yourself. This is what it looks like to be present. This Is what it looks like to understand. This is what it looks like to be Human.  

 

2018

Today i sat in complete discomfort from all that was. Once i washed all of that ‘was’ off of my skin l now freshly cleansed lay in impermanence.  


My Now, wants to say...

As i embrace my day today and marinate myself in my now.I see that Facebook decided to collaborate with the universe to show this consciously living version of myself something i have to recognize. What better time then the present.

IMG_4384.JPG

When this photo was taken, little over 7 years ago i look at my ‘then’ self as i stand in that moment of enjoying that perspective but not really knowing where my journey was going to take me after getting home.

Look back i was so young. Young hearted, young thinking, i was in this bubble of a real life willy Wonka - Never Never Land hybrid kind of the whole world is beautiful!! Don’t get me wrong It was great to see the world and live in the world with fresh green eyes but i understand now when that bubble became to deflate now - which lead to the journey it did. Mind you it was a journey of great, happy, blessed but also dark sad , lost and numb experience - all i wouldn’t take back because it brought me to this conscious reality that i am in today - for so long it was a extreme happy or extreme sad.

IMG_4388.JPG

They say, and i understand so much now this statement , but everything depends on how you react. Then i was blessed to have met a man that was a beautiful human being. His Perspective of life , the calm he lived in his daily, the love he embraced and Valued and saw in everybody. Looking back on it he too was in this happy bubble the world is beautiful And his bubble complimented my bubble.

His life though was not an Easy one and without sharing to much - his journey was so heart wrenching that i knew if it was me who went through what he went though - i wouldn’t have been smiling as much as this man did. He was represented really strength. I’m acknowledging now he also represented true forgiveness. True unconditional love.

IMG_4390.JPG

I was blessed to share time with him, he let me in but i see now that i was so naive and i didn’t know know how to grow up now what to do with everything that he represented... I knew i loved him but i also know today i wasn’t ready for that feeling.. hell im still not sure i am. he and we’re friends at the end of the day though my bubble didn’t know what to do with these new feelings of for one rejection but love that now sat dormant...then they went numb. He shared with me, ( as i type this i realize it was on thanksgiving ) that he had stage 4 Cancer.  I remember his words “there is a war going on in my body and everyone is fighting everyone “  the hope he always had  in his heart still was heard in his voice. This man was he healthiest, fittest, didn’t drink or do drugs. His drug was happiness.  And here the universe is taking a human being that is doing life right. He wouldn’t allow me to come see him.  And though i was trying to respect his wishes, and suggestion from my mom to not just show up... i wanted to so bad... to see him, to let him know i loved him, to let him know he wasn’t alone. Me me me . Like i said  i was naive. But i respected his wishes...my bubble began to deflate.. no more then month later, he passed. And my bubble did too. I didn’t know what to do, how to deal, how to say good bye, closure no closure. I was glad he didn’t have to hurt  through the war that was happening in his body but the effect he left on me i didn’t know what to do with it it all became a numb.. and realizing now slowing so did i. I wrote a very specific email to my family and friends who had knowing him and met him.. and i told them what had happen and to never bring it up to me. I don’t want to talk about it moving forward. I didn’t know what cancer was , i didn’t understand the whys or the how’s. I didn’t like death, since a child i never understood the where’s or why’s, i was terrified of it. I didn’t know what to feel or how to feel... all these these i couldn’t process or accept because i didn’t try to understand it so i could allow myself to process any of it...

And Like that my shoulders slowly started getting Heavier and heavier. I am not say saying at all this is the all cause but i am acknowledging how i reacted was not only wrong but it domino effected a lot of reactions with a lot of things and became my king character defect. Then moving toward i went on to to have an end goal of trying to understand process everything.  That bubble dissolved leaving me standing so far from Never never land with my perspective of living in all good to seeing the wizard behind the curtain..  That become overthinking to then falling into a deep place of my Soul feeing so lost and dishearted, knowing know it was me who let darkness take over.  

But again i now stand in my light becuause i am the light.  And i look back at these moments and call it closure call it just an appreciation for another human being or call it just what it is ... me using my gift of communication to say out loud that today i am remembering the human Jimmy Parsons, and i want to say to this man is:

Jimmy your light was something so special- i think i find myself today with more of you around me then even. Everything you stood for - the human being you were in your entirity is what, when i grow up, i can only try my best to be.. I’d be lucky if i was even  half the man you were to this world. I believe you knew i cared for you and loved you then and now and i know you are an angel. You were one on earth. If i can say anything to you it’s thank you for sharing your light and thank you for holding space for me next to you.  You are not forgotten you are and were a gift. A gift that stills holds a space in my heart. 

I know i can’t change my past, and i know i can’t bring individuals back from the dead, and i know i can’t save you but i also know i am free today. I know i am accepting today. I know i am capable of forgiving today. I know i am who i am because of everything that this journey had put in front of me.  I am grateful. I am beyond grateful for my now. 

 

Thank you everyone for being apart of my now!  

To confide is to trust.  

To forever confide in my important facts was to love. 

to know my raw, my valunrable, my truth, my fear had a home to live was everything. 

to then willingly feed all the me into a loaded gun.  To willingly tie all the me's to each arrow I was aware very truly deeply aware but I hoped just one time Instead of they each being a wound in conclusion, I just prayed they could instead live in his heart and be protected and guarded with safety till the end of time... but still I whilingly knew in the back of my head that it would never be truth. Our truth. My truth. Your truth. 

So I sit in my raw, my vaulnerable. My truth, my fear and I now hold in tight in my hands. I sit . I sit. I sit.  

Chasing my bliss. What once was found was then lost, hence seminly always now on the hunt as the hunter for my bliss.  

though maybe it was never found me the fear of holding true blue is my bare hands in fact terrify me. 

therefore the chase though exhausting is actually the bliss that one seeks.